Production for Use; or Why Drivers of Clean, Shiny, Undented Mega-Pickup Trucks are Asswipes

July 28, 2008

There are tree stumps and rusty junk to haul and manure to shovel and shuffle up into the cab and electric generators and propane tanks and leaves and hay and feed and logs and hogshit and fishing gear and ten million kinds of crap to throw with a resounding damaging thud into the dent-studded paint-peeled ruts of a pickup truck.

So why in fuck are guys with ties and suits who flop in suburban condos and upscale executive ghettos driving big shiny powerful mean-looking heavy metal 4X4s sporting spotless, scratchless, dent-free cabs toting around every bit of nothing?

Why? Because they’re assholes.

Spurring this trend—regardless of whether heavy hauling was being done or not—such cretins could write off the cost of Hummers and SUVs and big pickups as business expenses, though that tax loophole was tightened a few years ago, thankfully.

What got me thinking about this was a recent trip to lunch with work colleagues, during which a rusty old pickup pulled up beside us. “That’s what a pickup is supposed to look like, like it’s being used for what it’s supposed to be used for,” says I. “That truck is baddass,” says a fellow passenger.

But what we have with these yuppies or nouveau rednecks are folks who use pickups merely as modes of transportation or as penis-extenders.

A nice little car will get you where you want to go, but oh no, proto-Neanderthals have to have their testosterone toys, with as much air in the cab behind them as is in their fucking lizard brains.

A pickup truck is a tool, fuckwads! A tool! It’s like a wheelbarrow, or a winch or a towtruck, if you will.

And driving one around without getting it all dented and rusty and seasoned with proper down-and-dirty usage is not going to extend the size of your tool any more than it will expand the capacity of your underused cerebellum.

So below, I offer you a gallery, gleaned off the internet, of trucks that have fulfilled their honorable purposes under the ownership of righteous men and women. Honk if you like them.

-EG

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