Keyboard Commando, you’ve been promoted.

August 7, 2012

Thought I would share a response I made to a guy who decided to make a completely off-topic post to attack my liberalism even though the posting was about my aversion to Facebook and had nothing to do with politics. A character who calls himself “bw” commented: “Wow, a whiny liberal consumed with himself. How typical.”

To which I responded:

Dear BW,

This is Bill O’Reilly from Fox News. I just wanted to congratulate you and bestow upon you the coveted Keyboard Commando of the Week Award, given to angry white men who have nothing better to do with their time than to make random, off-topic attacks of “liberals” on the internet, whenever and wherever they can.

All you have to do to get your award is to put down your Cheetos, lift your overweight ass off your chair, step away from the computer, and come out from your keyboard command central HQ in the basement of your mother’s house. Although it will be hard to do, you will have to identify yourself and come out from behind the keyboard commando anonymity that protects you from the people you anonymously and randomly attack. Surely, being a good right-thinking American, you have the courage to do that.

In any case, mission accomplished and well done. We will have you photographed on the deck of an aircraft carrier in a leather airman’s jacket with a big “Mission Accomplished” sign behind you, just like our former great leader, GW.

And now, we have another assignment for you, since you are so eager to wage war for the good of America.

We know that you will do this without hesitation, because, as a good American, you always heed the call of your country when it needs you. Our country is waging a war on terror still in the mountains of Afghanistan and elsewhere. We know that you have–and continue to–vigorously defend the United States’ invasion of countries around the world in the war on terror. Since you have so often and loudly opened your big mouth and pounded your fat fingers on the keyboard defending these policies and attacking “liberals” who’ve been against them, we believe it is your duty to become a real commando and volunteer to fight on the real front lines. It is your duty to prove you are not a hypocrite and will actually yourself fight in the wars that you have no trouble sending others to die in.

What’s that you say?

You think our country is better served by you continuing to sit on your obese ass and eating cheetos and sitting in your mother’s basement and attacking liberals randomly and at will on the internet?

OK, we understand. We’re Fox News. We can’t argue with anyone fighting the good fight in polarizing the populace. Just keep drinking our Kool-Aid like you have, and please don’t pay any attention to that study that showed that people who listen to Fox News are less informed than people who listen to no news at all. I’m sure it’s all liberal propaganda, probably started by that Gravybread character.

the same person you knew

September 15, 2010

Despite how I’ve been no doubt characterized by people who haven’t a clue, I never stopped being me. I’m still the person who thinks about time multidimensionally. I’m still of the same heart. I’m still open to those who extend their trust. I’m still all of that. It never changed. No lies or brainwashing changed that.

In the trash you go

January 29, 2010

If you think you are going to use my comments area to push your products (eg., your username is a product or product type and your address links back to your business site) — and I don’t care how personalized your message is — then think again. You go straight in my trash — unapproved.

Why Facebook can eat my ass

January 25, 2010

There was a hellish place in the dim past I called high school where large chickens clucked around and plucked out my eyeballs, such was the clique-ish pecking order. The day I left it was like the removal of a weighty millstone chained to my leg. Then a year or so ago I joined this “place” called Facebook and I started noticing that people I hardly knew started acting like large chickens pecking out my eyeballs again and the old popularity contest/hierarchical social, peacock-feather-sporting, attention-whoring crap I remember from 30 years ago was again under way. Somehow I had voluntarily re-joined a high school clique of 20-somethings and much older supposedly grown people who barely knew one another, and I noticed how horny guys in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, me included, started hitting on all the women/girls and it was like a fucking horse race (or high school) with everyone jockeying for position (yeah, I “LIKE THIS” that you did some unremarkable mundane thing, and liked it only because you’re a hot chick) and me again realizing that I’ve never been popular and never will be and don’t need to be within yet another context that emphasizes it — being reminded of the greater popularity of others who, when feeling charitable, throw crumbs of validation my way — and I said enough of this fucking shit. And I bolted for good. If you can’t meet me for real, or call me for real, I don’t fucking want to have anything to do with you. If I’m not worth your time to call and really relate to, then to hell with it.
(Next: Why texting can eat my ass…)

Incinerating Facebook

December 22, 2009

Facebook is a pernicious polluting pox on the Earth, and I will be deleting my account there. Perhaps I will explain why in my next posting.

Something vaguely Bard-like, in honor of spring

April 8, 2009

Cometh I bearing cocke and cumme…

Avail me not of it, Ignacio. ‘Tis no more the flowers of that bud in want of it, now that good Cecila is off to nunnery.

Cecilia’s memory burns but the fire is containeth and the ladle fit for any hand…

So call you then for her sister, Beatrice?

Indeed, as she buddeth on the spring, tis evident…

Ah but the bulls all laden in finery puff and huff the dust on their heels thus in the heat of the season. Thou ist not lonely in the pursuit, though lone of solitary bursting heart, tis the way of the chase … bullish sputum all round sows seeds of the land.

Aye, seems the path to Beatrice is laden full of’t.

Containeth not that which burns hotly as thy passion, goodly Ignacio.

Aye, for certain, dip’t of’t it must be soon or tis what you say is true, and mine heart and balles be fit of bursting.

I fear thy must contain’t sirrah, for Beatrice returneth not til on the morrow, and barring that may not be seen but for a full fortnight. She does not rise and fall like the sun; she is liketh more the hurricano in her manner. Thus, harken on the morrow and thereafter if need be. And keepeth thy temper even and true, and engageth not in duels with raging bulls of same-said fire.

I will, wise John. Till that breeze bloweth, I shall be but a sheet to’t.

As it must be, goodly Christian.


(c. 2009, E)

I am so so sorry to everyone

January 5, 2009

I apologize. Haul me before the blogosphere court of justice and shoot me for dereliction of duty as blogmeister. Life has required my full attention. It got it, and it got me. Hard. So I will be back here soon, trying to make this a viable blog again, trying to go through and approve all the unread comments, trying to update the Mega Super Mammoth listing, and so on. Work duties call. Must run. -E