Jehovahs’ Witnesses Kingdom Hall’s a Comin’; or, Hallelujah! There Goes the Neighborhood

God has blessed us with a transfusion of new blood, as it were, in the neighborhood in the Hurstbourne Lane/Old LaGrange Road/Whipps Mill Road area of Eastern Jefferson County. That’s right, new blood in the form of new neighbors—Jehovah’s Witnesses—to be exact, who’ll gather to celebrate the Kingdom of God in their under-construction Kingdom Hall in said location. It’ll really be a privilege to have folks in the neighborhood to look up to, since we (and they) all know, they are the one and only hand-picked chosen Heaven-bound ones of the Lord. Shit, it’ll be like beholding superbeings or something.

Luckily, I’ve found out about this in time so that I can prepare for the onslaught of neighborliness sure to come in the form of Watchtower-wielding, glassy-eyed folk honing in with radar intensity on my doorbell. In a way I pity them, not because of their delusional fairy-tale beliefs, but because they really, really have no idea who they will be dealing with when they come to my door.

I’m fixing up a sign for them right now: All solicitors and religious peddlers agree to the following if they chose to ring my doorbell:

1.) You have one minute, and one minute only, to make your pitch. At 60 seconds the door will be shut.

2.) All doorbell ringers agree to be photographed and consent to your image being used on my blog on which I reserve the right to make any wise-ass judgmental comment I choose.

That seems fair enough.

Is my disdain for Jehovah’s Witnesses any greater than for any other crackpot religionist, whether they be with Scientologists or Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) or Branch Davidians or Heaven’s Gaters or Baptists or Papist Catholics? No, not really.

I remain, ever thus, your equal-opportunity religion basher.

For fun, here’s a website in which a disenchanted former member of the Witnesses (no doubt a “disfellowed” outcast, as they call their excommunicados) shares his list of 101 Strange Beliefs and Practices of Jehovah’s Witnesses. (Too bad the fellow still doesn’t seem to have been cured of Christianity as well. It’s funny when one cultist throws barbs at another.)

Below we see a delightful illustration culled from Jehovah’s Witnesses informational materials of the sheer joy implicit in observing Armageddon, knowing that you’re going to a better place and everybody else ain’t. The destruction of Earth and humanity has never been so much fun!

-EG
(Now, seriously, I ask you, do you really want to be stuck in Heaven with these fuckers?)

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3 Responses to Jehovahs’ Witnesses Kingdom Hall’s a Comin’; or, Hallelujah! There Goes the Neighborhood

  1. shirl says:

    does your mom know your doing this

  2. isaiah30v8 says:

    I think many households in predominantly Christian Nations do not openly welcome Jehovah’s Witnesses because their door to door ministry seems designed to mislead the housholder into beleiving the same lies that Satan told in the Garden of Eden.

    If you read the following newsletter you should see the parallels to the Edenic Sin:

    They really are like Satan dressed in a nice suit and tie knocking on your door!

    No wonder so many Nations have banned them!

  3. Ken says:

    Please say a prayer and pick up a bible. Jehovah’s witnesses are following strict guidance. Do not laugh at people strong enough to have the courage to come to the door never knowing who or what is behind it.

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