Russell Stover: Right in the Garbage

assorted_chocolates.gifIn comparing life to a box of chocolates, Forrest Gump said that, therein, you don’t know what you’re gonna get.

But, like life, you do know what you’re getting: 95 percent shit.

So when I unwrapped one of the X-mas gifts from the in-laws and it was a box of Russell Stover chocolates, I had to have the patience to wait before they left the house before throwing it in the garbage.

OK, not until I fished out the two tiny toffees and the two nut clusters, but immediately thereafter into the can went the disgusting white, pink and orange sugar nouget crap. And not before I squeezed every single one in disgust hoping that maybe there was another decent candy—but they all were filled with bland nougets that I hate.

Who the hell buys and eats these dreadful chocolates? Get rid of these, please, from the face of the Earth!

If I’m going to get fat, I wanna do it eating stuff I enjoy.

I already made one New Year’s resolution, and that’s to never tolerate these outmoded chocolate assortments where someone else has chosen for you which candies to eat.

Last year’s assortment from the boss went right into the can—right there in my office—after I picked out the two caramel-nut truffles. And, well, you know what happened this year.

Maybe a little tough love is in order. After getting a cinema trivia chunky calendar (I love cinema but hate chunky calendars and trivia) from some other in-laws for several years in a row, I finally nipped that one in the bud by showing some sort of displeasure and noticed that I did not get another one of those to throw in the garbage this year.

Getting a Russell Stover assortment sort of sends the message: We don’t know what to get you and don’t want to spend any time thinking about it or putting any effort or money into it, so we got you this shitty box of chocolates that you might not like.

I won’t go into the big philosophical diabtribe about how X-mas is BS and gift-giving is a waste (all of which is true), but since we’re stuck with this friggin ritual then there will be certain expectations that have to be met.

One, is that the receiver of gifts expects the gift giver to know enough about them and their interests to know approximately what will please them.

So, I look the gift horse in the mouth, appreciate the thought (that counts) and blah blah blah.

Hogwash.

The next Russell Stover “quality assortment” goes into the trash bag with the torn gift wrap, in full view of all gathered.

Well, maybe I overestimate my cojones.

-Evan G

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2 Responses to Russell Stover: Right in the Garbage

  1. I agree with you.

    If I wanted “chocolate” covered turds, I’d eat a Hershey bar.d sit down in my den and concentrate,then wish my sphincter would form squares and rectangles.

    Like one of those freaking Play Do Fun Factory things.

    Anyway, I’m like you. When someone gives me a box, I eat a few of my faves, then into the trash it goes.

    Colossal waste. Russell Stover needs to scrap the concept of “variety”. Make single candy options available OR….sink further into the abyss that is the boxed candy industry.

    Enjoyed your site.

    LK

  2. Nancy Wilson says:

    I wholeheartedly agree with Evan G and LK. I am addicted to the dark chocolate and for many, many years have considered it a treat to open a box of Russell Stover’s dark chocolates and enjoy them. Ever since they merged with the other candy companies, I have been SOOOOOOOOOO disappointed in the quality. I would rather RS raise their prices than to discredit the quality of their chocolate. It now tastes just any other old box of candy you can get in a drug store. Guess I will just go back to my Brach’s Bridge Mix and popcorn for a snack until RS can improve the quality AND variety of their candy. Those orange and vanilla cremes or whatever they are go in my trash can , too. PLEASE IMPROVE YOUR PRODUCT!!!!!!

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