Wal-mart to ban all sharp implements

No, there hasn’t been a formal announcement to this effect, but I fully expect it to happen any day.

I’ve got the inside scoop from an insider.

Don’t blab this too much, but I spoke to an actual “associate.” That’s right, one of the “partners” in the firm.

I think her name was Shirley, and she was ringing up some manure at the counter in the gardening center.

axe_jason_toy-50.jpgYou see, I was in need of a certain common tool used in yard work and farm work. And I figured that since Wal-mart had bankrupted and driven off all of the small local hardware store competition across the land, the mighty one-stop mega-mart would now be my exclusive source for this common hardware item. Looking at all the rustic folks who had just piled out of their pickups and were shopping alongside me, I fully expected that at least a few of them were looking for the same thing that I was.

Surely Shirley could direct me.

‘Tis spring, after all, and the manly urge to clear the land and cleave the soil took root in my being and sprang forth with the warmth of the new Spring sun.

And what more a manly store than Wal-Mart? Where you can buy propane and 5-gallon jugs of water and other survivalist fare.

axe_worlds_largest-50.jpgWhy should I not expect this cornfed retailer to rednecks to vend to me a sturdy, old-fashioned common axe so that I could cut and clear the fallen limbs and dead tree trunks littering my yard?

Baffled I was, then, at scouring the aisles in hardware and coming up empty. So off I went to Shirley in lawn and garden.

Direct me good associate, says I to she, to that which allowed Paul Bunyan to clearcut this mighty continent so that should be lain upon it a Stuckey’s-laden interstate highway system envied the world over.

“We don’t sell axes,” Shirley says, somewhat perplexed-looking upon my request, “because they have sharp edges.”

Crestfallen I was, perplexed myself at the shovels and weeders hanging from the wall opposite. Were these sharp-edged tools soon also to be banned from the gardening center? I wondered how Americans would be able to weed and garden and cut timber. It seemed like a New World Order plot to take away sharp tools [weapons] from the common man. Wal-mart had already gotten rid of guns from most stores. Now axes.

Hoes (no, Don, not the nappy-headed kind) and kitchen knives must be next.


And after that, what then? Sharpies? And why not? Look at what can happen to some fools who are careless with those.——————————>>>>

Yes, I might very well buy an axe and cut off my toes or go on a bloody rampage. Then Wal-Mart might get sued.

And where would I buy my Molly Hatchet CDs, if not for Wal-Mart? I axe you…

axegnome-2-50.jpgThe fate of yard gnomes that come in contact with sharp garden tools could be my own, as graphically illustrated at this website: http://www.bifrost.com.au/hosting/gnomes/

Damn trial lawyers and liberals. I blame them for this outrage, of course. And I’m sure Bill Clinton had something to do with it. They’ve turned my Wal-Mart into a pansy store—an ugly version of Target—where I can buy organic tofu but not a hatchet.

So that leaves mega-hardware purveyors Home Depot and Lowe’s.

Home Depot was a nonstarter for me due to their inability to keep certain common items in stock when I need them, most particularly the 59-cent fiberglass 16 x 25 furnace filters. And besides, their website only lists one hatchet and one axe in stock, and they don’t tell you what the handle is made of.

The sparse assortment at Lowe’s was disappointing. Nothing but a bunch of plastic and/or fiberglass handles, hollowed out no less.

Where, oh where, have my wooden handled axes gone? Have I missed out on those, too?axe_collins_axe_50per.jpg

If I’m going to pay $40 for an axe, the handle has to be wood. No compromise.

Strangely, Lowe’s sold axes without wooden handles, yet sold wooden replacement handles for them!

WTF !?

So, in a scenario that is becoming increasingly common in this world, it has suddenly become hard to find something that should not be hard to find.

Yet I can buy a friggin cell phone at Kroger.

Look, I’m probably as metro-sexual as the next emasculated post-modern suburban wuss man. But in that rare moment when my testosterone surges and I wanna split some cherry or oak, by gum, I wanna be able get the tools I need to git ‘er done.

And I mean Amish style. No friggin chainsaws just so I can get it done fast enough to hurry back to sit my lazy ass in front of a 50-inch screen.

[OK, maybe chainsaws scare me. But I’m not talking about cutting enough wood on a regular basis to justify that expense.]

Anyway, no sale, unprovident mega-stores.

I took a rusty dulled old hatchet from my garage and—proving nothing to nobody but myself—chopped every single one of the fallen limbs and threw them into my neighbor’s fireplace wood pile.

So, mission accomplished Wal-mart. I didn’t hurt myself with my old hatchet, or on your non-existent ones.

Hope the tofu thing works out for you.

-Evan G

4 Responses to Wal-mart to ban all sharp implements

  1. guinness74 says:

    It cracks me up what sort of crazy policies people can come up with to avoid lawsuits. Still, I know what you mean about the Amish-testosterone thing. I chopped down two trees at our house with an axe and a handsaw because I would be damned if I was gonna take the easy way out with a chainsaw. If it was good enough for my great-grandfather, it was good enough for me. It took a lot longer than I expected, but it was worth the wait.

  2. Vincent says:

    I won’t EVEN start about “Small Mart”… all I will say on the matter is this: They will NEVER, and I do mean NEVER get one red cent of my hard earned money. Why? Simply put, I can buy 12 gague shotguns there (not that I would, being the non-violent peace loving soul that I really am), but I can’t buy a lousy CD because the artist chose to say “FUCK” a couple of times… It also doesn’t help the matter any that the Small Mart in my area is situated smack dab in the middle of the ghetto where ALL assorted dregs of society converge to feel special since they just got a paycheck from their government jobs… Yes, I am a Black man, and no, I am not in any way shape or form trying to incite a riot here because of my disdain for the way society has become a rapidly rotting cesspool of inhumanity. As I have always heard it said: “STUPID IS FOREVER; IGNORANCE CAN BE FIXED.” Once again, you have given the people a quality post and I for one am glad that you have the guts to speak your mind without fear of being slammed by those who display the ignorance which has come to ruin a beautiful existence for the rest of us.
    For the record, my Aunt’s brother in law is also a “partner” in the firm. While does have some stories to tell, I can’t fault him for trying to provide for his family, and that in itself is becoming increasingly difficult on so many levels.
    And as for Home Depot and Lowes, since I am a NASCAR fan of sorts, the nod has to go to the former since my girlfriend and I loathe Jimmie Johnson and anything else that is Hendrick Motorsports. I hate to admit it though, but Lowes does have a better selection of products overall, so don’t worry JJ fans, I still pump money into the 48 team, only out of necessity.
    Keep on fighting the good fight, Evan. I’ll drop in again soon.

    Peace and blessings.

  3. Vincent says:

    When I speak of dregs, I am referring to those who collect welfare checks, Evan. Mind you, I am not speaking of those who have a legit reason for doing so, but those who abuse the privileges that the system provides (that WE, the taxpayers are paying for daily) to satisfy their selfish needs. I failed to clarify that previously, so please forgive me. I have a very bad habit of using metaphors to get my point across. My mother, who happens to work for the SSA and has done so since 1969, and anyone who has the unfortunate task of putting in time for the NSA or any other government organisation (USPS, law enforcement, etc) should indeed get the nod for holding it down to feed and support themselves and their respective families. With that said, I will be sure to once again clarify that if an individual makes an effort to hold a job of any type, menial or otherwise, then they deserve all the respect that I can give them. This is indeed the land of opportunity, such as it is, and there are plenty of opportunities for people who are willing to put in the time and the hard work. Here’s hoping that you and your family are enjoying this wonderful day.

    Peace and blessings.

  4. Cady says:

    Well, whoever wants Molly Hatchet CD’s can have all mine! I heard that one of the former bass players, Riff West, is suing his poor girlfriend for some kind of palimony or something and trying to take her house from her. He’s driven her out of her own house, changed the locks, and is demanding half of her assets. He is just one of the losers in that band. Maybe he should have been a real man back when he was in Molly Hatchet and bought his own damn house instead of mooching off of his poor girlfriend all those years.

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