Keyboard Commando, you’ve been promoted.

Thought I would share a response I made to a guy who decided to make a completely off-topic post to attack my liberalism even though the posting was about my aversion to Facebook and had nothing to do with politics. A character who calls himself “bw” commented: “Wow, a whiny liberal consumed with himself. How typical.”

To which I responded:

Dear BW,

This is Bill O’Reilly from Fox News. I just wanted to congratulate you and bestow upon you the coveted Keyboard Commando of the Week Award, given to angry white men who have nothing better to do with their time than to make random, off-topic attacks of “liberals” on the internet, whenever and wherever they can.

All you have to do to get your award is to put down your Cheetos, lift your overweight ass off your chair, step away from the computer, and come out from your keyboard command central HQ in the basement of your mother’s house. Although it will be hard to do, you will have to identify yourself and come out from behind the keyboard commando anonymity that protects you from the people you anonymously and randomly attack. Surely, being a good right-thinking American, you have the courage to do that.

In any case, mission accomplished and well done. We will have you photographed on the deck of an aircraft carrier in a leather airman’s jacket with a big “Mission Accomplished” sign behind you, just like our former great leader, GW.

And now, we have another assignment for you, since you are so eager to wage war for the good of America.

We know that you will do this without hesitation, because, as a good American, you always heed the call of your country when it needs you. Our country is waging a war on terror still in the mountains of Afghanistan and elsewhere. We know that you have–and continue to–vigorously defend the United States’ invasion of countries around the world in the war on terror. Since you have so often and loudly opened your big mouth and pounded your fat fingers on the keyboard defending these policies and attacking “liberals” who’ve been against them, we believe it is your duty to become a real commando and volunteer to fight on the real front lines. It is your duty to prove you are not a hypocrite and will actually yourself fight in the wars that you have no trouble sending others to die in.

What’s that you say?

You think our country is better served by you continuing to sit on your obese ass and eating cheetos and sitting in your mother’s basement and attacking liberals randomly and at will on the internet?

OK, we understand. We’re Fox News. We can’t argue with anyone fighting the good fight in polarizing the populace. Just keep drinking our Kool-Aid like you have, and please don’t pay any attention to that study that showed that people who listen to Fox News are less informed than people who listen to no news at all. I’m sure it’s all liberal propaganda, probably started by that Gravybread character.

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