Why Facebook can eat my ass

There was a hellish place in the dim past I called high school where large chickens clucked around and plucked out my eyeballs, such was the clique-ish pecking order. The day I left it was like the removal of a weighty millstone chained to my leg. Then a year or so ago I joined this “place” called Facebook and I started noticing that people I hardly knew started acting like large chickens pecking out my eyeballs again and the old popularity contest/hierarchical social, peacock-feather-sporting, attention-whoring crap I remember from 30 years ago was again under way. Somehow I had voluntarily re-joined a high school clique of 20-somethings and much older supposedly grown people who barely knew one another, and I noticed how horny guys in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, me included, started hitting on all the women/girls and it was like a fucking horse race (or high school) with everyone jockeying for position (yeah, I “LIKE THIS” that you did some unremarkable mundane thing, and liked it only because you’re a hot chick) and me again realizing that I’ve never been popular and never will be and don’t need to be within yet another context that emphasizes it — being reminded of the greater popularity of others who, when feeling charitable, throw crumbs of validation my way — and I said enough of this fucking shit. And I bolted for good. If you can’t meet me for real, or call me for real, I don’t fucking want to have anything to do with you. If I’m not worth your time to call and really relate to, then to hell with it.
(Next: Why texting can eat my ass…)

7 Responses to Why Facebook can eat my ass

  1. mastermind says:

    Thats what I’m talkin’ about!!!!

  2. Stretch says:

    Kudo’s….I feel the same way. While reading this post I felt I was reading something I’ve posted. Anyways…I agree!

  3. Stretch says:

    Can’t wait for the texting post :-)

  4. MiketheRevelator says:

    And when it’s done with yours, it can start on mine. My uncle is 80. He sleeps, eats, plays solitaire, watches “Wheel” and the Cubs. I consider any of these activities time much better spent than the brief time I wasted on facebook — which many of my friends still log on to every night. Evil place.

  5. amen, and you didn’t even have to mention mafia wars or farmville!

  6. bw says:

    Wow, a whiny liberal consumed with himself. How typical.

  7. gravybread says:

    Dear BW,

    This is Bill O’Reilly from Fox News. I just wanted to congratulate you and bestow upon you the coveted Keyboard Commando of the Week Award, given to angry white men who have nothing better to do with their time than to make random, off-topic attacks of “liberals” on the internet, whenever and wherever they can.

    All you have to do to get your award is to put down your Cheetos, lift your overweight ass off your chair, step away from the computer, and come out from your keyboard command central HQ in the basement of your mother’s house. Although it will be hard to do, you will have to identify yourself and come out from behind the keyboard commando anonymity that protects you from the people you anonymously and randomly attack. Surely, being a good right-thinking American, you have the courage to do that.

    In any case, mission accomplished and well done. We will have you photographed on the deck of an aircraft carrier in a leather airman’s jacket with a big “Mission Accomplished” sign behind you, just like our former great leader, GW.

    And now, we have another assignment for you, since you are so eager to wage war for the good of America.

    We know that you will do this without hesitation, because, as a good American, you always heed the call of your country when it needs you. Our country is waging a war on terror still in the mountains of Afghanistan and elsewhere. We know that you have–and continue to–vigorously defend the United States’ invasion of countries around the world in the war on terror. Since you have so often and loudly opened your big mouth and pounded your fat fingers on the keyboard defending these policies and attacking “liberals” who’ve been against them, we believe it is your duty to become a real commando and volunteer to fight on the real front lines. It is your duty to prove you are not a hypocrite and will actually yourself fight in the wars that you have no trouble sending others to die in.

    What’s that you say?

    You think our country is better served by you continuing to sit on your obese ass and eating cheetos and sitting in your mother’s basement and attacking liberals randomly and at will on the internet?

    OK, we understand. We’re Fox News. We can’t argue with anyone fighting the good fight in polarizing the populace. Just keep drinking our Kool-Aid like you have, and please don’t pay any attention to that study that showed that people who listen to Fox News are less informed than people who listen to no news at all. I’m sure it’s all liberal propaganda, probably started by that Gravybread character.

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